Moving onwards

I keep trying to start writing something about the killing fields and S-21 but how do you begin to explain genocide. How can you try and put into words what so many have done before you, most probably better. Still, because I think I should, and in order for me to try and process it better I will try.

Before I get fully into it however, I would like to comment on people taking pictures at the killing fields and S-21. Maybe people take pictures because a picture is worth a thousand words and many have difficulty finding their own. I can maybe get behind this idea as the only way to share the experience with others and to enlighten those that have no idea about the tragedy. I on the other hand have only one picture from both places: a shot of the walls as I was approaching it from the side. This will serve as the only direct visual trigger to the memory. It isn't that I want to forget what I say, it's quite the opposite. I have no need to have pictures of death on my camera, and the idea of taking them makes me sick. I fell that in order for the tragedy to find closure it needs to find peace and that just doesn't feel like it can happen on a bunch of tourist’s cameras. Clearly we must not forget what happened, but that there has to be a better way to remember.

The killing fields are one of many mass graves utilized by Khmer Rouge. At this site the remains of almost 9000 bodies have been found. All of the skulls and the remaining tatters of clothing have been assembled into a large monument stacked up around 40 feet high. I visited this monument twice, once at the start of my walk about, and once at the end. After I had walked around the area I wanted to return to look into the eyes of the skulls. I was hoping to find the human lose in what is now an otherwise quite tranquil area. Several things struck a chord with me on my walk. First, I was struck by the origins of the area. The field of course was not evil by birth; originally it was simply an orchard before it was turned into a mass grave. Secondly I was shocked by how small the actual mass graves were. Once grave that held over 450 bodies was only slightly larger than an average sized kitchen. I couldn't fathom how 450 people could have been dumped on top of one another there; the pile must have been massive. The last major thing that struck me was how peaceful it now seems. Thankfully it felt like the area could come to some sort of peace and people could be allowed to move on. I was a bit sickened however by the fact that many of the benches that you could sit on were sponsored by Angkor beer. Is there no depth that advertising won't stoop?

In contrast to the killing fields S-21 was still heavy and raw. S-21 was one of the main prisons / torture centers for the Khmer Rouge and has basically been left in the exact state it was found when it was shut down. This includes large photographs of the bodies found in many of the cells and blood still stained on the walls and floor. Walking around S-21 is sickingly haunting. I didn't want to touch anything, I didn't want to talk to anyone, and it felt like I could barely even begin to scrape the surface of understanding of the atrocities that occurred there. Like most torture prisons meticulous records were kept and photos taken seemingly almost to boast at what happened. It almost made me want to throw up. You could wander around from cell to cell and some of them were so small I wouldn't have even been able to lay down in them because of my height. One particularly interesting part of the museum had the stories of some of the guards at S-21, many of them who started as children. They then proceeded to tell their version of the vents that occurred. It is easy to have blatant hatred for anyone that causes harm to another human, but what would you do if you would be killed if you did not kill? What if your family would be killed instead? Could you find a kindness in your torture? There are questions that I wish no one ever needs to try and answer honestly, but clearly it was a real situation for some people. In these situations blind hatred just can't be applied. I am in no way condoning their actions, but it is not a matter of basic right or wrong but instead a complicated spectrum of grey no doubt created at the amusement of the Khmer Rouge leaders.

After two days of genocide I needed something uplifting and what better place to find it then with children. I decided to go out to an orphanage, Save the Children in Asia, and play with the kids for an afternoon and then donate my soccer ball, frisbee, and ball pump. There is honestly no way to feel better than to have two kids glued to your legs and another asking for an airplane ride. SOCA is an orphanage that also runs English classes for the kids throughout the day and I had arrived right before one of the lessons started. I actually wound up teaching half of it as the main English teacher (Canadian of course) was sick for the afternoon. I'm not sure the kids were quite as big of a fan of me after I had to administer an exam, but as soon as a guitar was brought out and I started to play all was forgiven. I wish I could have stayed longer or helped more but sadly I had to move on. I don't have any pictures of this afternoon either as these memories are purely and selfishly only mine and I have no need to show them off. Besides, it feels wrong to include any sort of pictures with this blog.

As I finish writing this I am now about half way to Siem Reap and Angkor Wat. I really can't believe I have to come home in a few days; this trip has gone way to fast.